Paula is nuts

"Forever Your Girl"

"Straight Up"

"Cold Hearted Snake"

"Opposites Attract"

"The Way That You Love Me"

Wow. It's like a walk down the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame's Greatest Hits aisle, isn't it?

When looking back at these deep, penetrating, musical messages from the 80s and 90s, is there any surprise that Paula Abdul's cotton candy singing translated over into her cotton candy reviews in "American Idol"? I usually only watch the train wreck auditions and turn off the show when it gets to the weekly elimination stuff...I mean, I watch auto racing for a nice crash and a car fire, and that's pretty much the equivalent quotient I look for in Idol.

I was sitting here tonight, listening to these potential stars sing for the American public and the Idol judges. I usually agree with Simon when I've heard him comment on people's singing abilities. Randy's usually pretty accurate.

And then there's Paula.

I don't know what kind of anti-depressants she's taking or freaky positive-thought guru-led cult she's a member of, but I really think someone could get up there, sing the National Anthem with a Ben Stein monotone, and she'd applaud their "individuality". I could literally wet myself and she'd applaud my wanting to break out of the mold and try something new. I could melt down into some kind of Jamie Lee Curtis-screeching movie heroine on stage, and she'd say my voice is penetrating and attention-getting.

This woman needs an intervention.

I'm not saying to answer "yes" to the "does this make me look fat" questions we get in our life. I mean, that's inviting homicidal percentages to increase exponentially nationwide, and with my ever expanding waist, I'd rather not encourage that answer to that question right now. But, there's nothing wrong with - if someone is in a situation where they're asking for an honest opinion (and you know they want to hear one, too...you ever know anyone who honestly wants to hear they look fat?) - tell them it needs to be better, not complement them on their "soul" or "heart" or some crap like that.

Also, just as a sidelight, how many songs can these people sing from Whitney Houston? It's a shame she's probably still in a "Bobby Brown-left-me" induced coke-haze to know her songs are being used on the show.

It's just Peabody-winning type of material.

I'm sure you could light a small town on the rotations from Bill Paley's cold dead body if he knew television has evolved to this...